Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Nightmares

In my dream, there you were, leaving me.. choosing her...saying these words... "I will never be sorry for what I did.. I'm more sorry that I have to stay with you all these years."

This can't be real.. this can't be happening... not to us... NEVER!!! I have to wake up from this nightmare. I was screaming .... begging...

I woke up. Gasped some air. I thought I heard you say my name and I called you back. You didn't respond. Then I reached out to your side of the bed. Tried to find your hands and wrap your arms around me. Wanting to hear your voice and assure me that it's all a bad dream... That everything's gonna be okay.

Only to find out that my nightmare is the reality. You are gone. Forever.

 

LETTING GO - All over again.

When I did my blog on LETTING GO in 2010, I was more than happy to share that I have triumphed over my previous heartaches. What I wasn't prepared for was the inevitable, that I would once again feel the same way... this time, broken and lifeless.

I have been pushing aside writing this for the longest time. Not that I haven't moved on yet. On the contrary, I have. It's just that I think it's an utterly waste of my time to reminisce my worst nightmare. But a few weeks ago, my sister-in-law accidentally told my gf (we're celebrating our 8th month as of this writing) that i was into blogging and she insisted on reading my posts. She came across this particular blog and encouraged me to write and share my experience. Be an inspiration to someone... That somewhere, somehow, I can be of help to someone desperately looking for answers or even the slightest motivation that one day it will all be over.

Reading my previous post at the time when I was so heart broken, it's as if I don't even know the person who wrote it. Easy for you to say, that's what I thought. But moving on was far from reality.

10 years, well, 9 years and 6 months to be exact. That's when it all ended. It was probably the most courageous and most stupid thing that I did. Faced my gf and the one she left me for. I asked her to choose, and ironically, i was ready to accept that it wasn't me. I actually felt relieved, that it's all over. The lies, hatred, loneliness, all done. Or so i thought... only to find out that i was left lifeless and my journey to a year long of darkness has just started.

Whoever you are reading my post now, I would try to describe to you and make you feel how I felt at that time. It's as if you're there with me so I can confide everything. My closest friends and my siblings knew about what happened and felt my pain. But the truth of the matter was.. I felt all alone. I only had one armor at that time and one confidante. My prayers and God.

I would also be sharing the things I've learned on this journey. Some I have read.. quotes that helped me go by.. some things i have wrote on my e-diary and a lot more.

Everyday, I cried. Every minute I plead God to take away my pain. I asked of Him to take away all the love that I felt for her so I can stop hurting. I knew that I was far from being okay but I asked him to hold my hand until I'm ready to even have the slightest courage and strength to move on.

I was on the floor. Literally, not knowing what happened for the past 10 years. Where do I start? How? Will the hurting ever stop? Will I even smile again? Will I forgive her or even myself for letting all these happen? Lots of questions in my mind, every inch of my body aches, every memory has all backfired as daggers to my heart.

Will this all end?

 

Motivational Quotes