Moving On

We would have celebrated our 10th year this October.. what happened? She left ...


Well, before this happened, I had an idea that we're growing apart. She asked for space and I gave it to her. Thinking I needed it too and this would help our relationship. But as days and months passed by, I felt that I was the only one clinging on... she was slowly drifting apart. I tried my best to save it, I begged, I compromised, but she rejected them all. Said it wasn't time, and she said she has waited for me to change my ways and she grew tired of it. I was like.. you were giving me a timeline w/o my knowledge? I knew I'm not perfect but whatever flaws I had, I was more than willing to change them just not to lose her. She once asked me what were her traits that I hated most... I told her non.. because whatever flaws she had, I accepted them and were all part of her, so I loved them all...

But still, whatever conditions she set, I waited, and still trusted her.. that she's just going through a phase.. but I do have this feeling that someone less is getting in the picture..  Still.. I knew, she wouldn't be the type of person who would give us up easily.. and we've been together for almost 10 years!.. How else can someone else take my place?...

Web of lies and deceit followed.. it has been going for months and when I had the strength to confront her, she would still deny it.. But God has His ways of me finding out...

And I faced them both... although I thought I was prepared for this... it was still different than the one I've practiced over and over again...

I asked her to choose.. and she chose her.

So what else am I waiting for? that's my cue to end this all. She said she loves me more but she's happier with her... The fact that she already loves someone else has sent me to hell!

But after all  the heartaches.. what's there to keep?

I've been lied to, cheated on.. so what should I do next?

I have to accept the fact that it's over. that the girl I love for more than 9 years has died a long time ago. She gave up on me, on us, and threw everything we had. She would have stopped it. Things don't happen just cause.. it's because she has allowed them to.

This was what I have written on that day:

Today would have been our 10th year

We've always imagined to have a small celebration wherein we'd gather our families and closest friends to celebrate    A decade full of love and commitment. But today, instead of that celebration, we are but strangers living our separate lives away from each other.

I gave you my heart, my soul, my life.... Coz u said you were worthy and would be with me until the very end. So when the time came that you decided to leave, i was left with nothing... Coz u took them all away... Left me barely breathing....

Our relationship was never perfect, i wasnt perfect. But i tried to give everything that i could. Ive given my life... But still it wasn't enough to make you stay... I wasn't enough.

If one day our paths will ever cross again, i hope you'd tell me that you made the right decision. I hope you've found the happiness that i cant give you. I hope all the pain was worth it. I hope leaving me behind was all worth it. Coz if not, my sacrifice of letting you go would have all gone to waste. 

Please dont let that happen. I've set you free even if that means taking the life out of me... Just so you can live. I just hope you will do the best that you can to make all these worth it.

I've stayed away, i've endured the pain and loneliness... Please do your part and   Let me be....

I would not have wanted us to end like this. We would have been friends, we would have not hurt each other and those who loved us.. if only she has looked beyond my flaws and saw how I can love her and fight for her much more than she expected...

I believe that God sees everything. I know that I did my best, almost had no dignity at all.... and loved her even if my heart pleaded to stop already...

 I hope I would find the strength and courage to surpass all these. I have died a million times over for the same person. That person who did not respect me nor our relationship. That one person I trusted who would never leave nor cheat on me... and now she's the person who has given me so much unbearable pain...

One day i'll be better.. i know.. one day... i'll be happy again....

Nightmares

In my dream, there you were, leaving me.. choosing her...saying these words... "I will never be sorry for what I did.. I'm more sorry that I have to stay with you all these years."

This can't be real.. this can't be happening... not to us... NEVER!!! I have to wake up from this nightmare. I was screaming .... begging...

I woke up. Gasped some air. I thought I heard you say my name and I called you back. You didn't respond. Then I reached out to your side of the bed. Tried to find your hands and wrap your arms around me. Wanting to hear your voice and assure me that it's all a bad dream... That everything's gonna be okay.

Only to find out that my nightmare is the reality. You are gone. Forever.

 

LETTING GO - All over again.

When I did my blog on LETTING GO in 2010, I was more than happy to share that I have triumphed over my previous heartaches. What I wasn't prepared for was the inevitable, that I would once again feel the same way... this time, broken and lifeless.

I have been pushing aside writing this for the longest time. Not that I haven't moved on yet. On the contrary, I have. It's just that I think it's an utterly waste of my time to reminisce my worst nightmare. But a few weeks ago, my sister-in-law accidentally told my gf (we're celebrating our 8th month as of this writing) that i was into blogging and she insisted on reading my posts. She came across this particular blog and encouraged me to write and share my experience. Be an inspiration to someone... That somewhere, somehow, I can be of help to someone desperately looking for answers or even the slightest motivation that one day it will all be over.

Reading my previous post at the time when I was so heart broken, it's as if I don't even know the person who wrote it. Easy for you to say, that's what I thought. But moving on was far from reality.

10 years, well, 9 years and 6 months to be exact. That's when it all ended. It was probably the most courageous and most stupid thing that I did. Faced my gf and the one she left me for. I asked her to choose, and ironically, i was ready to accept that it wasn't me. I actually felt relieved, that it's all over. The lies, hatred, loneliness, all done. Or so i thought... only to find out that i was left lifeless and my journey to a year long of darkness has just started.

Whoever you are reading my post now, I would try to describe to you and make you feel how I felt at that time. It's as if you're there with me so I can confide everything. My closest friends and my siblings knew about what happened and felt my pain. But the truth of the matter was.. I felt all alone. I only had one armor at that time and one confidante. My prayers and God.

I would also be sharing the things I've learned on this journey. Some I have read.. quotes that helped me go by.. some things i have wrote on my e-diary and a lot more.

Everyday, I cried. Every minute I plead God to take away my pain. I asked of Him to take away all the love that I felt for her so I can stop hurting. I knew that I was far from being okay but I asked him to hold my hand until I'm ready to even have the slightest courage and strength to move on.

I was on the floor. Literally, not knowing what happened for the past 10 years. Where do I start? How? Will the hurting ever stop? Will I even smile again? Will I forgive her or even myself for letting all these happen? Lots of questions in my mind, every inch of my body aches, every memory has all backfired as daggers to my heart.

Will this all end?

 

LETTING GO...

Have you ever tried to do your best to make that one person stay? That you've exhausted every effort just to let him/her know that no one else in this world is worth loving other than yourself? But despite every ounce of your energy pleading her to come back, she still would look into your eyes and tell you 'No, I've made my choice.... I can't do this anymore'.....

She could have outgrew the love she once felt for you. Or probably she found someone new. Worst possible scenario: She might not have loved you at all.

So many reasons, so little explanation. You've tried to recount every detail of what happened in the past weeks or months. Going over little things in your head and asked yourself these questions: Where have I gone wrong? Why didn't I see this coming? Have I been trusting her too much? etc.

Despite numerous reasons that you can think of, it still boils down to this reality: SHE IS GONE......

Now it's time for you to move on.

When you look at the mirror, can you still recognize the person staring back at you? The one who used to be so happy, so in love, has been replaced with a ghostly figure. You try to ignore your friends' call (because you can't tell them how it all happened since right now, you're clueless as well), moping around all day, crying over your ex's pictures and letters, checking her Facebook account to see if she changed her Relationship Status to Single?

Awwww, come on! Stop patronizing the pain. Would it help you to know that she has found another to replace you? Would your heart stop bleeding if you tell everyone that she has hurt you and say bad things about your ex just to get back to her? Would things go back to normal if you still pretend that nothing happened and stalk your ex wherever she goes or check her emails and other accounts to see if she has changed her password or deleted your pictures?

If you've done everything to make her stay, then try to accept the fact that you're no longer together.It's never wrong to give it all out for love; neither to love a person so much. Sometimes, the only thing wrong is the person you have chosen to love.

Letting go is another way of telling the person how you love her so.

So now you have to think about how you can stand on your own. I'm not asking you to stop hurting. I ask you to be brave. To be strong. No one else can help you at this point if you choose not to help yourself.

Try your hardest to refrain yourself from seeing her nor communicate with her. If she goes to the same school, same workplace or even if you have the same sets of friends, try to avoid her. Ask your friends to support you and respect that you're in the process of healing. If your ex wants you to be friends, tell her she's not helping. Easy for her to offer her friendship since she's the one who left you. No one knows how hard it is to wake up each morning and drag yourself out of bed dreading how you could last the day without even crying or thinking about her. But then even if she's the only person that can make you happy, try to move on. Remember, she CHOSE to leave, and that means she'll continue her life without you.

When someone tells you to stop crying, tell that person to LEAVE YOU ALONE! Let go of your emotions. You have every right to feel vulnerable. No one else knows the pain that you're going through. It's like you're slowly dying inside each time someone mentions her name or when you see something that reminds you of her. One day, these feelings will help you realize that you're done hurting yourself and soon you'll pick up the pieces where you left off.

I've had my own share of heartaches. Some happened as early as my teens. There were times that I had to deal with the pain in my own little ways. I tried my best to keep my chin up. For I know, that it would not be the end of the world for me.That someday, it'll be my turn to be happy.

I've tried to drown my loneliness with booze, started dating and flirting with others, cried over every love song I heard, cursed, etc. But I can't hide the fact that I was still in pain. I tried to endure it. I kept hurting till it hurts no more. I cried till there's no more tear left to cry

Just think about this: We often times meet the wrong ones before meeting the right one so that we will be thankful that that person came to our life.

It's just that sometimes, promises are broken.The world won't stop spinning just because you stopped believing...

I loved. I got hurt. I survived.

Believe in yourself that someday, you too will be okay.

Take one small step at a time.... take your time to heal....

Let her go .....

SEAFOOD HOORAY!!!

Craving for seafood????????

Well then, one place comes to mind... DAMPA of course!

After planning our scheds, me, my gf and her officemates went to Dampa in Macapagal at around 9:30 am.

When we arrived, we had to find a restaurant that's open earlier than usual. We also had to consider that after eating, we'd belt out on their videoke. When we found the perfect spot, we're now off to the market!

Just a few steps away,  we found what we're looking for... SEAFOOD.. SEAFOOD,.... and more SEAFOOD!

We took our pick. Prices for shrimps range from P300 - P500 a kilo. Crabs sell @ P200/pc. Mussels are @ P90/kilo... Fishes' prices vary .. There were meat stalls but we walked right passed them.... not interested w/ pork, beef and chicken at the moment... 

Make sure to haggle! Some vendors tend to overprice.......






In choosing crabs, pick the female! It has more meat!

Then we went back to the restaurant to give instructions on how we want our meal to be prepared.

Everything was cooked to perfection! 

I was so full that day I didn't even enjoy the videoke much.... hahahaha.. 

So what are you waiting for? Call your friends and plan ahead! Don't miss out on this yummy experience!

HOW BLOGGING CAN CHANGE THE WORLD

                                                  

I was wondering how I can share my thoughts online. But it was too scary for me. You see, I’m the type of person who wants to keep things private. There were lots of things going through my mind like, would someone even care to read it?

Im a Mass Communication graduate. In school, I used to write different plays or skits. I was so creative at that time. But when I started working, I was only able to use it for like 6 months when I’ve become an editorial assistant. After that, I switched to a different field. I’ve been exposed to Sales for more than 8 years.

When I came across this competition, i saw it in www.wheninmanila.com and read more blog on www.OurAwesomePlanet.com , it drove my curiosity. I’ve just started blogging but have read numerous blogs online. Would I even stand a chance over bloggers who’ve done this for years?

I love food. So it’s my most popular search on the web. Whenever I hear about a certain restaurant, I would immediately search for it online and look for blogs to check if the menu and service gets my money’s worth. It would also help me get the easiest directions since I’ll just be commuting from QC. And as I sat down on the restaurant’s cozy sofa, I would recall what bloggers would recommend to newbies like me to order and the taste and budget would consistently be right on target.

I do remember one time when I thought no one else understood me, I just sat down in front of my laptop, venting out thru my stat messages in my FB account. When I remembered that, in previous years, the best thing to calm my nerves would be to read a book. But as I searched my room, no book was to be found. So I Googled into finding something to read and I came across several inspirational blogs. Some were stories of survival, some shared their favorite quotes or heroes and how they have lived their lives with those in mind. Some reminisced funny and memorable experiences that’s diversified from various situations.

That’s when it occurred to me that blogs weren’t as meaningless as I thought them to be. They can take me to places that I’ve never been before. The links, photos and videos would really help me to choose the best vacation spots in and out of the Philippines. Others were like self-help books! They can help and inspire others. There were also helpful tips that ranged from simple to complicated how to’s . If there’s a collections of books made for DUMMIES, the blogs can be considered as first hand experiences that can help newbies!

So I braved myself to publish my first ever blog. It wasn’t easy. Too many topics running through my mind. Then I remembered that I’m a member of various LGBT groups. It occurred to me that many people, especially teens, are undergoing various phases of their individuality. Main point is to come out in the open or not.

I chose to write a piece that I’ve withstand. Narrated how difficult it was to live a double life. Feared that no one would understand nor my family wouldn’t accept me for who and what I am.

One way or another, I know that those who’ve read my blog have come to realize that it’s ok to be different. That somewhere, someone had encountered the same issues and had overcome the obstacles that kept them imprisoned for a long time. I would want to write more blogs about this topic that would tackle different issues like relationships, rights, discrimination, road to self-discovery and many more.

I would not limit myself to what I can blog about. I’d consider writing anything under the sun! (Food, vacations spots, etc) Blogs that would stir my readers’ interests. I aim to broaden my knowledge on how I can further improve my craft because I would really want to make a career out of blogging!

With the scholarship that I can possibly win from www.MavenSecrets.com , I’m determined to contribute to change the world. I’ve started my campaign to inspire others but I do believe that I still have lots to learn. And I aspire to gain it from the best.

(This entry won 2nd Prize for the AIM scholarship. Thanks to http://www.wheninmanila.com and Anton Diaz )

Out and Proud!

Firsts are often times the most difficult. I had mixed emotions as to what my first blog would be. Would it be reviews on certain restaurants since I LOVE food so much! Or would it be about places that I've been to? It can also be about personal experiences or sharing my views and opinion on a certain topic?

Nah!

Since it's gonna be the first, I need to come out with a big BANG!

So. what better way to start my post than to tell you how my comming out story ...

Yup, i'm part of the L world.. not a typho error. I know you're thinking of the L word. I've watched the entire series too. Most lez i know liked Shane's charater (Kate Moennig) while others liked Bette (Jennifer Beals) better.

In high school (I've attended an all girls' school from HS till College) I've managed to evade the feeling up until my junior year. I've had the occasional crushes but never really had the guts to engage in a relationship. On my fourth year, that's when I decided that, 'Lil miss nice girl has to come out of her shell'.

That's when I started dating and realized eventually that this relationship is the right one for me! Girls are just so much easier to understand, please, confide into, etc. Haha! I know I'm being biased since I really haven't tried the 'normal' way....

I had some relationships that lasted for years and some short lived. Although I've learned to accept my sexuality, there's still one problem. How would I come out to my family?

It was a difficult time. You see, my parents were well known for their strong religious beliefs. Wherever I go, someone would recognize me and ask for my parents' whereabouts. So it was a challenge for me living a double life.

But one day, I mustered enough courage and talked to my mom. She actually offered me to be 'prayed over' by her friends. I told her that I wasn't possessed by a demon! I disclosed everything. Let m skeletons come out of my rusty and dusty closet. My feelings, my fears and how I long for her and dad to accept me. I've never seen her cried that much. But I had to be firm and show her that THIS is my choice. She worried that I may end up alone. I assured her that I've accepted that possibility and I'm ready whatever the future holds.

With my dad, explanations were no longer necessary. He knew right from the start that I'm capable of deciding for myself. He trusted me that much! He doesn't approve but he understands. I hugged him tightly and thanked him. The mere fact that I don't have to hide my true identity anymore was enough.

Friends can either help you or destroy you. Some were supportive while some eventually distanced themselves. We just have to find people that are open-minded and see us for what we really are and not judge us for our preference.

It was a roller coaster of emotions. But really, before we get others to accept us, we need to accept ourselves first. This is not a disease. We may hear a lot of hurtful comments or nasty jokes but bear this in mind.... No one has the right to put us down nor discriminate us.

Happiness is a matter of choice. And I choose to be different.

I. Love. Women.

Deal with it!

(You can share your own coming out story... I encourage you to create your own blogs :) Peace!)